Grief Doesn't Take a Holiday: Walking With the Brokenhearted Between Thanksgiving and New Year (Part 1: Seeing the Grief)

A compassionate helper sits beside a grieving woman at a holiday table, where an empty chair quietly marks someone missing

“Before you can offer the right words, you need to notice the person who needs them.”

From late November through New Year, many churches and communities fill with songs, family gatherings, gratitude, and celebration. Yet in the same rooms are people quietly approaching an empty chair, a painful anniversary, or a holiday they do not know how to face.

A widower may be preparing for his first Thanksgiving alone. A mother may see her child’s empty place at the table. Someone else may be living through a recent divorce, carrying a miscarriage no one knew about, or entering the holidays sober without the friends who once filled the season.

The gap between public celebration and private grief can feel especially wide at this time of year. If you serve as a pastor, chaplain, coach, recovery worker, or care-team volunteer, your first task is not to fix that gap. It is to see the person living inside it.

Why the holidays can make loss feel closer

Holidays gather memories into familiar places. A certain song, recipe, photograph, service, or family ritual can bring someone’s absence into sharp focus. The seat that always belonged to a spouse may be empty. The annual gathering may be the first one after a divorce. A date near Christmas may also mark the day someone died.

At the same time, people may feel pressure to be grateful, cheerful, and present for others. They may hear unspoken expectations: You should be enjoying this. You should be over it by now. You should be able to manage.

Those “should” statements can add shame to sorrow. A person may love their family and still dread the gathering. They may be thankful for what remains and ache for what has changed. Both can be true.

Grief does not follow a tidy calendar. The second or tenth holiday after a loss can hurt as much as the first. Some people find comfort in familiar traditions; others need to change them. The American Psychological Association offers practical guidance for coping with grief during the holiday season. The central reminder for helpers is simple: do not assume how this season feels to someone else.

A person notices a grieving guest at a holiday gathering and offers quiet, attentive companionship

Notice the grief that may not be named

Grief includes more than bereavement. In your congregation, program, or care network, someone may be grieving:

A divorce or estrangement from family
A job loss or a career they can no longer continue
Miscarriage, infant loss, infertility, or a pregnancy kept private
A serious illness, disability, or loss of independence
Relocation and the community or familiar life left behind
Sobriety and separation from friends who once provided company
A relationship or future that others do not recognize as a loss

Some people’s grief has been forgotten by those around them. Others may not feel ready to talk about it, or may not have words for what they have lost. Avoid deciding whose sorrow is significant enough to deserve care.

Grief also does not always look like tears. It can look like irritability, withdrawal from events, numbness, physical exhaustion, or dread of a particular date. Someone may become unusually busy, filling every hour to avoid the quiet. A person who has attended every holiday service may suddenly stay home. Another may show up, smile, and leave early.

Watch for changes without turning them into a diagnosis. A quiet person may simply be tired. A busy person may be managing a hard season. Your role is to notice with care, not to guess with certainty.

The practice of seeing before advising

Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.” This is an invitation to meet people where they are, rather than requiring them to match the mood of the room. Before you offer advice, allow yourself to notice what the person may be carrying.

Start preparing before the season gets busy. Review the losses you know about from the past two years. This is not a checklist for predicting who will struggle; it is a reminder not to let someone’s story slip from view. Consider who may be facing a first holiday, a difficult anniversary, or a changed family tradition.

During celebrations, notice who goes quiet or steps away. Notice who has stopped attending, who seems worn down, and who is carrying the work of making everyone else’s holiday happen. Remember, too, that the person leading the service or organizing the program may be grieving.

Then ask gently. Try: “I’ve been thinking about you as the holidays approach. How are you feeling about this season?” Or: “Is there anything you’re especially concerned about in the next few weeks?”

Ask without demanding an answer. Avoid assuming that someone wants to talk, wants company, or wants their plans changed. Listening begins with leaving room for the person to tell you what is true.

A kind volunteer approaches a man outside a warmly lit holiday gathering, offering presence without pressure

Prepare to remember, not to presume

With more than 30 years of ministry, recovery, and coaching experience, Rev. Winston C. Trumpet has seen how much compassionate care depends on steady presence. That experience points to a practical truth for this season: people are not helped by being hurried toward the emotion we think they should feel.

You do not need to know the perfect thing to say before you reach out. You do need to be willing to listen, respect the person’s pace, and keep showing care after the holiday event ends.

Take a few minutes to reflect:

Who in my circle may be facing this season with an empty chair or another significant loss?
Answer: ______

What do I know, and what do I not know, about their loss?
Answer: ______

What might they dread most in the weeks ahead?
Answer: ______

When will I check on them?
Answer: ______

What will I say first?
Answer: ______

A ministry helper quietly prepares for the season, reflecting in a warm community room with a candle and empty chair

Seeing grief is not the same as carrying it alone or knowing how to resolve it. It is the beginning of a more faithful kind of care: noticing, asking, and making room for an honest answer.

In Part 2, we will focus on what to say and do between Thanksgiving and New Year: words that make room for sorrow, practical presence at the empty chair or memorial date, and ways to support someone through a holiday service while stewarding your own capacity.

If you serve others through difficult seasons, the free Compassion Fatigue & Ministry Burnout Assessment offers a five-minute, 14-question opportunity to honestly reflect on your compassion fatigue, emotional exhaustion, and spiritual resilience.

About the Ministry

W.C. Trumpet & Family Ministries (Compassionate C.A.R.E Ministries) believes people deserve care that is honest, patient, and rooted in dignity. Learn more about the ministry.